Advice for the over fifties!
Having Better Sex After 50: Techniques For Men and Women
So you want great sex after fifty and beyond? Here are some ideas to keep your sex life fresh.
First of all, talk about sex with your partner.
This may be difficult for you to begin with, but this first step is about resolving problems of communication. Reticence, inhibition and embarrassment make us "doers" rather than "talkers"; and yet wherever you find a sexually happy couple, you will find a couple who have been able to talk to one another about their desires and their experiences in the most intimate terms.
The older you get, the easier this should be, so that talking about sex when you're older ought not, in the natural order of things, to present you with any difficulties whatsoever. In fact, it is essential for a couple to be able to talk to one another about sex if they are to establish real sexual connection.
Believe me, it's possible for any couple to overcome their inhibitions in talking about sex. And to have a great sex life, you have to succeed in this.
But there's no need to set yourselves too high a standard, especially during sex itself. A word or two - "Come into me", "Are you coming?" "Was it all right?" - will break the ice, and if helped along by gestures such as taking the partner's hand and placing it on the breast - or penis or clitoris - and whispering, "Play with me here" it should not be too difficult to establish effective two-way communication.
Normally, I am dead against making love in the dark because it deprives the couple of so much stimulus in the way of looking at the partner's body, and especially his or her face where you can see what they are experiencing.
Sex can never be enjoyed thoroughly unless you can see each other. And let's face it, by the time you are fifty, you really have seen it all....so why would it be embarrassing?
At the same time that you're setting up better communication, you should also be observing your own and your partner's responses to foreplay and intercourse. The sort of things you will want to know are:
And so on. But don't just observe these things - talk about them as fully as you can. And that is especially true if you are a man who does not know to last longer in bed for men and control his ejaculation so that he can pleasure his partner sexually.
A great deal is going to depend on your attitude to sex. Often men have a more open approach to sex than women. Why? Well, a woman's arousal need not show - even if she's naked - but when a man is sexually aroused, it is difficult for him to hide his erect penis even if he's fully clothed. Thus while the protective folds of a woman's labia could be seen as hiding her sexuality from public view, the erect penis is the outward sign of a man's masculine sexuality.
So, clearly, this difference in attitude to sex is partly caused by society, and partly by our nature: but if you do feel inhibited, it's a good idea to either start talking to your partner about how you feel, or maybe even see a counselor to discuss the situation.
Sex is fundamentally the most intimate of all human relationships: value it, and talk about it. If it is the visible symbol of your love for one another, then there is every reason for complete openness of thought, speech and action between the two partners in the privacy of their bedrooms. There should be no holding back at all between a loving couple, in the whole area of sex, whether it be in discussion or in action.
Keep the sexual flag flying high!
In these early stages of "mature sex", and until you have established a new rhythm of sex, you must deliberately use every technique you can think of. So, for example, experimenting with sex positions and techniques and adventurous foreplay may help you keep an active sex life.
If you more or less gave up sex some time ago, the best way to make a new start is to use a wide variety of new sex techniques and positions, to experiment with new ways of satisfying each other, and to ensure that you have good communication between the two of you.
On the other hand, you won't be able to use all the techniques you might have enjoyed in your earlier days, because of the physical limitations imposed on you by your age. At the same time you must have a variety of techniques on which to ring the changes in order to prevent boredom creeping in again.
Don't be inhibited. For example, a lot of women dislike engaging in fellatio. I think many women's refusal to suck their man's cock is based on the fear that he will come in her mouth, or that the semen will have an unpleasant taste. Most men want to be fellated, but not necessarily to orgasm. They may prefer oral sex as part of love-play, to build up sexual excitement, so that when they come with the penis in the vagina, the final sensations of orgasm are as magnificent as they can be.
Women ought to know that many men have a powerful desire to be given oral sex, to be fellated. Even if your partner hasn't told you so, he will probably want fellatio (if you didn't know that, it's a sign of a lack of good communication!). Probably he has been dying for you to do it to him, and hasn't liked to ask you - quite simply - "Kiss my penis," "Suck my cock", or "Go down on me, please" because he has felt you might object or be offended.
Appearing naked over 50: how are you about appearing naked in front of each other? With the blemishes and weaknesses which almost certainly appear in the middle aged body, there's a natural tendency to some reticence in appearing naked before your partner.
But your partner has a right to know by sight the body with which s/he is going to enjoy sex. Perhaps, if you have let yourself go physically, letting your partner have a good look at you will encourage you to take your appearance in hand more vigorously.
So get rid of your clothes when you make love: the sensual response of naked flesh against naked flesh is one of the most powerful stimulants there is. And when you pass 50, you cannot afford to overlook any aid to sensation you can think of, or anything that comes your way!
Please don't let the inevitable health issues which can develop after 50 years of age get in the way of you enjoying good sex. For example, arthritis, gout, hiatal hernia, acid reflux, prostate problems, erectile dysfunction....the list goes on. But you can help yourself by ensuring you avoid any foods which exacerbate the problem.
We have produced a site with information on the best gout foods, including advice on alcohol, high fat meats and diary products, foods with high levels of purines, sugars, saturated fats. Also, we explain why you should take moderate exercise and enjoy life.
Set boundaries. So it helps for the female partner of a man in mid life, even if communication hasn't been good up this point, to make quite plain to him now what you are and aren't willing to do with him sexually - which, within the context of a loving relationship, really should be anything that isn't harmful to either of you, doesn't offend your principles, and gives pleasure to the other partner. And of course, this includes oral sex.
If what holds you back from fellatio is the fear of him spurting his semen into your mouth, tell him so. He may not want to come in your mouth, or if he does (and most men do) he may well be willing to compromise by telling you when he is about to come and then having you finish him off by hand.
Be equal. If a woman is totally honest, she has to admit that the caress of her partner's lips and tongue on her clitoris, vaginal lips, outer and inner labia, and her vaginal entrance is among the most exquisitely sensuous, voluptuous sensations she can experience. Men find fellatio just as pleasurable.
Equally if you have the urge to be the recipient of cunnilingus, do not fail to tell your partner. I think you will be surprised at how quickly he will agree to pleasure you, his woman, in this way. All you have to say is, "Kiss me down there," or "Lick my pussy", or "Go down on me."
Adapt your sexual habits. If you do accept fellatio as an ordinary part of sex, I am sure you will be surprised how useful it is going to be for a man over fifty. As your partner gets older he needs physical stimuli more and more to get an erection.
That is to say, he won't get erections any more when he looks at pictures of beautiful girls, or even at beautiful girls themselves, or possibly, I regret to say, when he looks at you. In some cases he may not become erect even when he fondles you. This is absolutely normal for many men having sex when over fifty, and quite a number of men over forty-five find themselves in the same position.
But a man won't usually be entirely without an erection; all he needs is some encouragement. Usually fondling his penis is enough, but if you want to do a really good job in getting him erect, offer to fellate him. And on those occasions when he doesn't even start off with a partial erection, oral sex, giving him a blow job, fellatio, going down on him, call it what you will, is pretty much a sure-fire way to get him erect.
An older man's inability to achieve spontaneous erection has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. It's a natural process. As men age, and especially as they pass 50, they find their sexual response to certain things is lower than it used to be.
It takes more effort - and different sexual techniques - to get a man aroused. But once he is aroused, he will enjoy sex and be able to take part in it just as much as he ever did.
Temporary erection failures are not uncommon over the age of 50.
There is always the possibility of a man losing his erection after he has entered his partner but before either of them has had a chance to reach orgasm. This is a very distressing problem for most men, not least because it can happen so unexpectedly and so rapidly.
If his erection disappears completely and his penis slips out of your vagina, you can try fellating him back to erection. Another alternative is to fondle his penis as he brings you off with cunnilingus or masturbation.
Knowing that he is bringing you off may go some way to arousing him to erection again, and this combined with your fondling of his penis may make him erect. And for sure, the more aroused you are, the more aroused he will become.
If so, as soon as you have reached orgasm he may be able to go back inside your vagina, which will give you the benefit of prolonged thrusting sensations, perhaps even taking you to orgasm. But in essence, this is about being tolerant, adaptable, and flexible.
More often than not, however, the penis, though limp, does not quickly shrink back to its normal flaccid size, but remains larger than normal and does not slip out of the vagina. If you act quickly, you - his female partner that is - may be able to restore his full erection within a few seconds, in the following way.
For women: Giving a man over fifty great feelings during sex - and keeping his erection firm
If you are using the man on top sex position, and he is lying inside your legs, change position so that his legs are lying outside yours and he is gripping your thighs between his. This increases pressure on the penis inside the vagina.
At the same time you should grip his penis as hard as you can with the muscles of your vaginal entrance. (I will explain how to do this in a moment.) If your arms are long enough reach a hand round over his buttocks and feel his scrotum carefully. His scrotum, by the way, should be lying on top of your closed legs.
Find the spot on the scrotum above the balls, as near to the bottom of the penis as possible, and grip it firmly - but not nipping it so as to cause pain - and pull it away from you quite hard, at the same time gripping the penis with the vaginal muscles, to avoid pulling it out of you.
This has the effect, if you pull hard enough, of pulling on the penis skin and stretching the frenulum, where most of the nerves are which control erection and orgasm. The effect of stretching the frenulum is to stimulate these nerves and within a very short time his erection may be restored.
The effect of you gripping his penis with your vaginal muscles will be to maintain your own progress towards orgasm, and with good fortune, intercourse that might easily have had to be abandoned can be brought to a natural and satisfying conclusion for you both.
But you must act quickly; either as soon as you find you can't feel the penis inside you, or your man tells you he has lost his erection, which he can do in such terms as, "I've lost it," or "I've gone small", or "It's gone soft". (More than at any other time, two older partners need to be able to communicate clearly and precisely with one another during intercourse.)
Stretching the frenulum in this way may also be successful in resolving retarded or delayed ejaculation.
In these cases, the woman can again grip the man's penis with her vaginal muscles; but in this case it is better not to change sex position. To reach the scrotum, slip your hand between your two pubic areas and take hold of it in the spot I described above.
Pull downwards at the same time as your man pushes his penis upwards into you. The pressure of his pubic area on your general clitoral area will keep you aroused despite the intervention of your hand, if you keep it a little to one side.
Quite a number of men, by the way, occasionally use this method of stretching the frenulum as an alternative method of masturbation. It is quite likely that your partner will have done so, possibly as a boy or young man, and he will be able to show you what to do.
By the way, the best method of taking hold of the scrotum is to ring your thumb and forefinger fairly tightly round it and push away from you, with his balls under the palm of your hand, as though you were trying to squeeze them out of the bag.
Explore new areas of each other's body
I am constantly surprised by the number of men who do not realize, until they discover it accidentally, how sensitive to stimulation the scrotum is to very light strokes of the palm of a woman's hand.
Begin at the base and very lightly draw the palm up over the scrotum, just brushing it. If you continue slowly with the same kind of touch up over the penis until you reach the penis-tip, you will surprise your partner, if this kind of touch is new to him, by the intensity of the sensations you produce.
If you do not know them already, go exploring your man's body with him as your guide, in order to discover his most sensitive spots. (He should return the favor for you!)
One very sensitive spot is the perineum, the area situated behind the scrotum extending from the base of the penis to the anus. It is extremely sensitive to light and firm stroking with the fingertips or tongue.
What a woman can expect from her body, sexually, over 50 years of age
Masters and Johnson's research in the 1950s suggests that your nipples will become hard and erect when you are sexually aroused by the mouth or fingers of your partner until you are in your late seventies.
During sex after 50 your clitoris will also respond with erection and behave exactly as it did when you were younger, except that it may require longer stimulation.
However, your outer labia may not swell and open like they did earlier in life: this is due to the reduced hormone levels after the menopause. Your inner labia will continue to swell a little throughout your sixties, but they will gradually lose the power to do so.
Vaginal lubrication may gradually decrease, sooner or later stopping in some women, though by no means all women. See our advice about intercourse - or rather, lubricants for intercourse.
It is in the vagina that the greatest changes take place after the menopause. I have already written about the thinning and smoothing of the vaginal walls which may give rise to discomfort during intercourse as you get older, and how this may be thickened again, by using hormone pellets for localized hormone replacement in the vagina as prescribed by your doctor. This is not likely to occur until your sixties and seventies, but can always be put right by treatment.
If your vagina also becomes shorter and narrower as you grow older, your partner can always adjust to your length - with your help - and the narrowing is really a bonus, for it will help you to have closer contact with the penis. This will heighten the sensations during sex for both of you. How interesting to realize that sex after fifty can actually be better than before because of increased tightness and reduced lubrication!
You can develop the muscles at the entrance of the vagina, so that you can contract and relax it at will. Some women teach themselves how to do this when they are younger, but it is surprising how many women do not know that they can control this muscle - which contracts involuntarily when you have an orgasm - in the same way that the man can control the muscles that make his penis jerk.
You will find it easier to learn this technique if you use a smooth round object like a dildo or vibrator. Anyhow, whatever you use, it should be about four inches round, with a rounded end and it must be clean. Having lubricated it with saliva, insert it carefully about two inches into the vagina and then try to grip on it with the muscles of the vaginal entrance.
At first it may feel that you cannot budge the muscle at all. But don't give up! It will begin to respond after a time, and with as little as five minutes' practice twice a day, you should have the sensation that you are actually gripping the instrument tightly with your vaginal entrance.
When you reach this stage, use a less thick vibrator and practice until you feel you are gripping on that. When you reach this stage you will have full control of the muscle. You grip and relax when you do this: don't try and keep up a continuous grip.
Besides being useful for holding a half-erect penis in your vagina and helping to stimulate it back to erection, it is also a useful technique to have in cases of delayed or retarded ejaculation.
The wave-like gripping of the muscle about the base of the penis is very stimulating to the man when his penis is erect, and I have known two cases of retarded ejaculation cured almost entirely by the stimulation afforded by this muscle.
When you have perfect control of the muscle you should continue to have two or three gripping sessions - without using any instrument - a week, to keep the muscle toned. Better still, use the Kegelmaster, an appliance designed specifically for vaginal exercises.
The uterus also becomes much smaller after the menopause. This is not likely to cause any repercussions in your sex life. It will still contract when you reach orgasm, and it will add its sensations to those of the vagina, anus, pelvis and clitoris.
Actually, then, as you pass fifty and beyond, your sexual responses will not change very much. Indeed, you are in some ways in a much better position than your male partner, whose sexual responses - in particular his ability to get erect - may be really affected by encroaching age.
Problems such as delayed ejaculation can easily be dealt with. There are many other sexual dysfunctions that may affect a man as he ages, of course, including difficulty in getting an erection, loss of erection, and even premature ejaculation - the curse of youth, which can make a reappearance later in life, for reasons of anxiety and loss of sexual confidence. Fortunately, men can find out how to stop premature ejaculation now and last longer in bed by using some of the excellent self-help guides available on the internet.
Practical suggestions to improve your sex life in the years beyond 50
1 In the early years of your sex life you may have been willing to seize the moment when passion gripped you, enjoying sex at any hour of the day or night. Now you're in your 50s it's an even better idea to take the opportunity to enjoy sex whenever you feel a surge of passion. Don't let the chance slip by!
Also, find the time when you feel sexiest, and enjoy sex at that time as often as you can. So, for example, a man may feel most passionate in the morning while his partner feels most passionate in the afternoon. If it suits you both, you could make love in the morning or afternoon alternately, rather than in bed at night. A simple change to your routine like this will allow you to take advantage of the time when you naturally feel sexy.
2 Try finding new sex positions which allow you to make the most of your libido. Not all sex positions are equally exciting: some will be much more arousing for you than others, and if you experiment you can find out which give you a head start on getting the best sex. Of course, making love isn't just about sex positions - it's about emotional and spiritual connection as well, so you might like to pay particular attention to sexual positions like side-by-side, positions which allow you to rest during sex, enjoy every aspect of each other's bodies, and still maintain a loving sexual connection.
3 Explore new sexual techniques which focus on the loving energy of sex rather than just the physical aspects. I'm thinking particularly of Tantric sex, because Tantric massage can be intensely arousing, involving a slow, sensual buildup to a peak of sexual and erotic energy. (In my opinion it would be a good idea for all couples over the age of 50 to enroll on a Tantra course, because this is one of the fastest ways to kick start your libido and get better orgasms.)
4 Take off the time pressure: don't attempt to have sex if time is short, because the lack of opportunity for sensual stimulation may produce performance pressure which affects your man's ability to sustain an erection. That doesn't mean to say you shouldn't respond to the urges of passion if you want a quickie!
Men: How You Can Completely Satisfy Your Female Partner!
For most couples, sexual intercourse does not make the woman come. And while we've grown to accept this as normal, the truth is that most women don't really find intercourse truly satisfying...though they would never tell their partners that...even preferring to fake orgasm than let their man down.
So the hard reality is that it's up to a man to make his woman come....but fortunately, there are some powerful and simple sex techniques which everyone can use to make sure the female partner reaches orgasm every time you enjoy sex.
And when a woman has an orgasm during intercourse, sex is much better for both partners....so, before you even think about sex positions, discover the secrets of the female orgasm - and make sex as good as it can be for both of you!
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